BE A MAN
I believe L.Bancroft was correct . An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to her, trying to fill a bottomless pit.
I grew in a deteriorating town in a house just a bit bigger than a janitors room . I grew up with big dreams and wanted to treat the women in my life as queens for I had grown up seeing my mum and sisters always working hard. Although my mum was fairly old school and wanted me to soon get married and build a family .
Eventually my mom came across a proposal which she thought was no less than a miracle. It was from one of the wealthiest merchants of my city. He wanted his only daughter, Sanjana to be wed soon. It did confuse me on why he would ever want his daughter to be married off to a family like mine who belonged to a class much lower to them, it should have raised a red flag. But my mom believed it was destiny and a miracle we deserved and in a blink of an eye I was only a week away from our wedding reception.
I have yet to see her, her father mentioned she has her own business that she runs and eventually will meet me. He promises we are a good match. But who doesn’t remove time even a week before their wedding to meet their partner. Even in arrange marriages like ours, this just feels…. Wrong.
But I believed in following my mums wishes. After all she has always looked after us and brought up three kids all by herself. Soon, a lunch meet-up was arranged between me and Sanjana. I was so excited to see her. She was everything and more than I could ever wish for in a wife. The first time I laid eyes on her waiting at our table I was mesmerized. The most fragile frame with doe like eyes, long silky hair and a smile to die for. But, I realized the smile wasn’t directed towards me. She was rather on another call blushing on every response. That sure made me frown a bit. When she noticed me she cut the call abruptly and her demeanor went cold. Honestly I did not feel welcomed at all.
She responded when needed and when I asked why did she agree to the wedding she simply said “Why did you?”… I replied honestly saying that I saw a future with her and that love can make anything happen in this world. She coffed and simply said “You looked at the money and thats what will keep your mouth shut , so how about I just see on the d-day” . I was shocked, that night I confronted my mother on what happened.
My mother’s response changed my life forever . I will never forget what she told me “Don’t you get it Abhinav, we need this wedding to happen. Your sisters will get the best of proposals because of your in-laws and you will never have to sacrifice your needs ever again”, I was numb on this response, I insisted on how it felt wrong and all she said was “Son, you need to man up and do what is needed for your family” and after this, that is exactly what I did. I never uttered a single word and took those seven rounds and promises with a soul that didn’t love me.
On our wedding night she didn’t come home and I didn’t see her for the next couple of days . Talking to my mother was no use as she was busy on the look-out for suitors for my sisters. I confronted my father-in-law in his home office one day.
The man I saw in front of me wasn’t the same one who spoke to me a month back. He wasn’t smiling neither did he look welcoming . He had his cigar in one hand and urged me to speak up since I barged in without a warning. I told him about Sanjana’s behavior and how I haven’t seen her since our wedding. He literally laughed on my face, like I had cracked the funniest joke in history. “Oh Abhinav, that classless poor mentality of yours doesn’t get it, does it?”. I was confused on his statement.
What was I supposed to get, none of this was normal. He continues to speak “She is on a trip to Greece with her boyfriend of course, it was a deal between me and her. She marries who I want in our religion so that my companies reputation stands and she can go around with that useless Muslim man she claims to be in love with” . I just looked at him with disbelief “How can you do that Mr. Khanna, I may be poor but I do not deserve to be conned and humiliated like this”… He listened to me attentively and puffed another cloud of smoke before commenting further “What are you going to do son, cry about it? run to your mom and complain? sue me with the 200 bucks you own?. OR you could just man up, keep your mouth shut and enjoy the lifestyle you otherwise could’ve never been able to afford” with that I was escorted out his office by his body guards.
I felt like I was used and thrown out like an object. I was on autopilot after this incident. I bottled up and just accepted my fate. My mother seemed on top of the world after my sister’s high-class weddings and hugged me tight whenever I went to see her she looked at me with sparkle in her eyes and always said “Look at you, finally the man of the house” I tried to smile every time, But I wonder if she could tell it was empty. But I kept quite.
At night whenever my Wife came to me , I could smell that man on her. The way she was always drunk . The way she addressed me as him and called out his name instead of mine. I was just an extra object made available for her. There were times where I felt dirty when she touched me. When she would urge to sleep with me. I know she was my wife but it felt everything but. One night I thought I had enough and refused to accept her advances. She threw her glass of whiskey across the floor and stripped all her clothes. She slapped me right across my face and screeched “I feed your family, and I feed you, I never expect shit and all you have to do is man up and fuck me! and you cant even get it on. What kind of a man says NO!!”
I balled my fists as I had reached my boiling point. I threw her on the bed and gave whatever she wanted. I could hear her laugh of victory ringing in my ears . The cynicism dripping through her. I looked at her dead in the eyes and said “I want a divorce. You and your father can go to hell” . With that I left the bed, took my IDs and two extra pair of clothes and drove off. I had one last look at my wife and her scared demeanor, father-in-law will not be impressed and I could not care less.
I glanced at the mansion which I called home for the past year and drove off across boarders.
This is it, I will live for who I am and what I was meant to be. I will finally Be A man……. A man I was born to be.
– Penned by : DesiG
– Header art: Photo by Sayan Ghosh on Unsplash
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